You can now jazz up your pants with sparkly crotch charms
(Picture: Bodivas/metrosites.tk)

We’d all like to be matching underwear clad goddesses, who never have to rummage around in our drawers to find the one pair of underwear that fits the requirements of clean, comfortable, and fairly VPL-free.

But, alas, that is not who we are.

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We are the people who continually resort to the same ratty underwear set we’ve had since we were 16.

When it comes to bikinis, it’s the same deal.

We try to go shopping each year and buy something fancy, but changing room meltdowns send us right back to the old, faithful black bikini we’ve been wearing for years.

So perhaps the answer isn’t a new set of pants or bikini bottoms, but accessories. They seem easier.

Providing this option is Bodivas, a Japanese company that’s selling dangly things called crotch charms, also known as a Beachtail.

You can now jazz up your pants with sparkly crotch charms
(Picture: Bodivas)

Crotch charms are, essentially, little metallic charms that pass through the crotch of your bikini bottoms or pants, and let little metal strings and gems hang down on either side.

They come in all kinds of designs, and Bodivas suggests wearing them with bikinis, with pants in the bedroom, and even with shorts.

And they’re all under £20. So that’s nice.

There’s just one slight problem: The metal chains that are intended to sit right up against your vulva.

You can now jazz up your pants with sparkly crotch charms
(Picture: Bodivas)

The visions of pinched labia and cold metal scratching against our clit is enough to put us right off, no matter how much changing room stress the charms might save us.

Bodivas hasn’t done anything to soothe our worries, and offers no mention of the comfort level of the crotch charms, beyond a note stating: ‘Metal allergy is the responsibility of the users.’

You can now jazz up your pants with sparkly crotch charms
(Picture: Bodivas)

Metal allergy. On your bits. The horror.

But hey, if you can get past the potential pain and discomfort (or you’re up for wearing a protective pair of underwear underneath your crotch charm-ed bikini bottoms), and fancy jazzing up your lower half, you can buy a Beachtail through Etsy.

Best of luck. Our thoughts are with your labia.

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